It appears you don't have PDF support in this web browser. Download PDF
Personally, I'm no expert myself, seeing as I started this out as a hobby and see myself as a poor man' Ray Bradbury (R.I.P), Heh.
My work method includes no dialogue in outlines. That said, I think outlines flow a lot smoother without dialogue because the idea for me would be to immerse the reader in the story and work out the dialogue later because it's so damn pesky. It's a freakin' chore!
Robonaruto made a valid point about the contrast in the vocabulary. Not that it's bad, it really isn't! Try to work around the ambiance and atmosphere, set the mood and then the reader's imagination will take care of the rest. I felt like that was the only thing that was lacking.
Unless your teacher recommends dialogue... That's just not right...
i could picture everything you described c:
I have a best friend at school with the name Madison (Maddy) Patton!!! I told her, "You have the same name as Tribbleofdoom on youtube and dA" and she said she doesn't... it's kinda cool... but creepy at the same time...
this however feels like its been there before.
I'm guessing it's meant to be dark-ish but you vocabulary doesn't quite fit the imagery.
Jack asks, “If its the one place you can’t stand to be, why do you
let yourself live there?” i would replace why do you let yourself live here with with why do you (linger/remain)?
"Maggie argues that she wants him to leave" cries instead of argues sounds much more fitting to me
"As the two of
them turn a corner, a man leaps from the shadows." emerges or jumps in place of leaps.
"the trees are a thousand silver pistols." countless silver pistols seems more in place to me.
I hope this can help with your problem.