Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×



Details

Submitted on
November 29, 2012
File Size
39.2 KB
Link
Thumb
Embed

Stats

Views
1,215
Favourites
46 (who?)
Comments
11
Downloads
13
×
Mags 10 Minute Film Outline by tribble-of-doom Mags 10 Minute Film Outline by tribble-of-doom

It appears you don't have PDF support in this web browser. Download PDF

pretty awful because of all the restrictions my teacher put on us, and so I had writer's block in trying to smush my story into the restrictions. but i did it. but it sucks. so if you have time, please read and give me some feedback about how i can make it better - but I can't make it any longer, and I can't write any proper dialogue. Yeah.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmidnightkingshowcase:
I just read it - Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with it, but if you'd like to elaborate what those restrictions are, I would gladly share some feedback with you. (Unless you posted some update that I missed!)

Personally, I'm no expert myself, seeing as I started this out as a hobby and see myself as a poor man' Ray Bradbury (R.I.P), Heh.

My work method includes no dialogue in outlines. That said, I think outlines flow a lot smoother without dialogue because the idea for me would be to immerse the reader in the story and work out the dialogue later because it's so damn pesky. It's a freakin' chore!

Robonaruto made a valid point about the contrast in the vocabulary. Not that it's bad, it really isn't! Try to work around the ambiance and atmosphere, set the mood and then the reader's imagination will take care of the rest. I felt like that was the only thing that was lacking.

Unless your teacher recommends dialogue... That's just not right...

Cheers!
Isaac T.
Reply
:icontribble-of-doom:
tribble-of-doom Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow that was actually amazingly insightful! Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconmidnightkingshowcase:
No problem. Good luck with it and future projects!
Reply
:icondreamybean:
dreamybean Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
holy shit this is good, i love it~
i could picture everything you described c:
Reply
:icontribble-of-doom:
tribble-of-doom Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
D'aww, glad you like it :3
Reply
:icondragonfoot455:
dragonfoot455 Dec 1, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Tribbs we have the same last name [link]
Reply
:icondreamingjay34:
DreamingJay34 Dec 7, 2012  Student Digital Artist
that's kinda creepy but also pretty cool, having the same last name as the wonderful Madeleine Patton AKA Tribbleofdoom!!! :D
I have a best friend at school with the name Madison (Maddy) Patton!!! I told her, "You have the same name as Tribbleofdoom on youtube and dA" and she said she doesn't... it's kinda cool... but creepy at the same time...
Reply
:iconrobonaruto:
Robonaruto Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know that this was based off one of your previous works(I may have critiqued it) and it felt original,
this however feels like its been there before.
I'm guessing it's meant to be dark-ish but you vocabulary doesn't quite fit the imagery.

Jack asks, “If its the one place you can’t stand to be, why do you
let yourself live there?” i would replace why do you let yourself live here with with why do you (linger/remain)?

"Maggie argues that she wants him to leave" cries instead of argues sounds much more fitting to me

"As the two of
them turn a corner, a man leaps from the shadows." emerges or jumps in place of leaps.

"the trees are a thousand silver pistols." countless silver pistols seems more in place to me.

I hope this can help with your problem.
Reply
:iconpanthera--shadow:
Panthera--Shadow Nov 30, 2012  Student General Artist
:iconsadnessplz:
THIS. THIS IS...BRILLIANT. And so sad... :<
Reply
:icondreamingjay34:
DreamingJay34 Nov 30, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Tribble how can you make it better? This is perfect!!! I love how Maggie just has to move on but wants to and doesn't want to forget about Jack!!! :heart: ahhh the wonderful power of love....
Reply
Add a Comment: