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Aside (Play) by tribble-of-doom Aside (Play) by tribble-of-doom

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A ten page play I wrote for Writer's Craft class. Critiques, thoughts, comments, all appreciated.


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Allow me to begin by saying that it's been an absolute joy watching you grow as a writer, Tribbs. Your plots have always been crazy and unique, but as your writing skills improve, I feel like we get closer and closer to seeing what really goes on behind the curtains in that fantastic mind of yours.

This may very well be my favorite piece of yours to date. It's short, sweet, and to the point, but still manages to captivate your attention and really make you think. The brain facts were an excellent touch, and as per usual with your work, it's worth noting for originality alone.
I think what caught my attention most was the fact that it accurately represents a part of everyday life that we are all aware of, but rarely take time to reflect upon. If you look at the physical events in the plot, there's not very much going on. Most of what happens is in the minds of the characters, which is both a realistic way to look at a subway ride and a unique insight into something we often forget goes on at all.
All things considered, I loved this piece. There's nothing really earth-shattering about the writing, but the formatting you used and the psychology behind it are enough to keep this one on your mind for a few hours after you read it. Amazing work!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

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Metoka Featured By Owner May 28, 2012
:happybounce: That was really good! I caught 2 typos, but good! Characters are life-like, and there's interesting information there...You can really feel the people throughout the carride. It seems realistic, too. Those are definitely my thoughts.

I also love how the minds interact with eachother. I haven't ever seen anything like this before...
9999poppy Featured By Owner May 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love how the Minds say the true words behind what we say with our mouths, like Sophie's thank you said Im scared. That was smart and clever!
Also, I love how the Minds are constantly talking, thinking, analyzing, because its very true, our minds always work.
Love it Tribbs, and happy (Late :meow: ) Birthday!
Six-and-Sticks Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I really... REALLY want the Moose Jaw players to use this as a warm up show for dinner theatre or something. FFUUUUUUUU >:U
I love theatre so much ;_;
I have to find a way to see this produced (with your permission of course) even if it's not with the players.

I just need to say that Sophia's ramblings are a little out there, which when I thought about it at first was a bit awkward, but then I found it to be very true to form. I have a lot of one-sided conversations (or something that doesn't sound crazy... maybe extended interior exposition?) with people who aren't there all. the. time.

I love the title too C: CLEVERR.
faberchan Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Student Digital Artist
I'm really upset learning about limerence. I think that sorta just blew half my life out the fucking window.
tribble-of-doom Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well that's just the chemicals, y'know? It's not that you'd wake up one morning and be like "oh yeah, you actually disgust me, lolsorry." It's just that you won't feel like you need to have your tongue in their mouth every second of the day. Limerence is more like the intense lust part of love and not the emotional's not actually all that grim. Just brain chemistry. Limerence was evolution's way of getting babies made right off the bat, and when it dies down you're supposed to now have a kid and thusly your brain wants you to stop humping for two seconds and raise it.

Sophia's comparison of having unending limerence to "true love" isn't really warranted. Once limerence wears off, provided the couple likes each other for more than physical reasons, not much changes. I just manipulated the information for my own purposes because I'm evil.

Didn't mean to make you feel paranoid or anything!
faberchan Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Ahh I see! thanks for clearing that up, I feel much better now! ^u^
lolaf Featured By Owner May 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That would be interesting to see on a stage, my drama class did somthing a bit similar in a short skit for our collective. Except it was a date in a movie theater and the "thoughts/minds" of the stars were hidden behind the set. Still I've always loved that idea, especially if you can get the sync between thoughts and actions right.
FluffyTheBlueWolf Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
It doesn't wanna play for me):
tribble-of-doom Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
What do you mean it doesn't want to play? xD It's a play, it doesn't play like a video.

Do you mean it just isn't loading? Just give it a few seconds :)
FluffyTheBlueWolf Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
It just doesn't seem to want to load :\
KimukoCat Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
That was a really sweet read; I loved the parallels between the mind characters and what the human characters actually said and did. You pulled it off brilliantly!
Chocolatemountains Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist
It'd probably be funny if you had Jacob smile to himself while his mind made vanilla jokes.
Kwizkaii Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I love how you had two people play each character, with one saying their thoughts out loud, very neat idea :) I really enjoyed reading this, you have a lot of talent!
Rabid-Lycan Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
Hehe, Jacob's inspiration... people watching finally pays off!

Honestly (and perhaps it's the nerd in me), I adored this. No critique for you; I loved it as is. It's a fun concept executed with more thought-provoking sentiments than I ever anticipated. Well done.
Also reminds me of a little show I watched the other day, the Science of Sex Appeal. Both intriguing and depressing in some ways xD The arrangement of someone's facial proportions, body movement-- even our pheromones are ancient defense mechanisms against incest. Our brains are curious things.
CloudFoxstar Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I loved it! I like the way they analyzed each other with their mind-forms and spoke to each other, but used completely different words aloud.
Chedtim Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Having the mind separate from the person is a really cool idea, and the part where the minds and people were both conversing was really powerful to me, kind of like saying how we sometimes have parts of conversations we don't always say out loud.
Jingostar Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
the pinned pic i got in my inbox looked like a scene from The Midnight Meat Train
hitorithefirst Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
not bad , to tell the truth i didnt read all of it , i sort of skimmed it
but it was good , i like the ending where"spoilers" ( both their minds exit behind them , i could almost imagine a ghost like figure of both them behind them )
Catpalacerocks Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Photographer
This is amazing!
Beaverkat Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student General Artist
Wow, I really loved this! The way you made the mind set separate from their bodies was too cool, kind of like 'souls,' what Sophia was talking about. I like how you made her a bit of a nut too, over analyzing just about everything, and Jacob not having the slightest clue. Aaah.
SparksofCreativity Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is really good. Is all of the stuff about the way the brain works true?
tribble-of-doom Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeup, all of it is true.
kitkat14000 Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
I missed a word, sorry c:
kitkat14000 Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
woops, I meant it looked good
kitkat14000 Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
I couldn't figure out how to scroll through the pages, but few things I read looked good c:
kitkat14000 Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
PLease don't be mad, I just missed a word :c
It looks really good!
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Submitted on
May 20, 2012
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